Of mixed thoughts and emotions. (From my tumblr account late-repost)

Yesterday was one of the days where up to know, I still don’t know how to describe generally how the day went or what I felt. Everything seems much of a blur to me. It was all too slow and fast paced at the same time. I don’t even make sense anymore. All I know is I’ll continue on rambling on what I remember.

It was a hot Saturday and my fats melted in such a rapid pace, good thing I think I didn’t really sweat as much as the usual. Spent it with old friends I’ve known for a couple of years, but I’ve realized that even if I knew them for long, I never really got a grasp of who they were. Maybe that’s how things are. That’s how fragile and shallow I make connections with other people now. I don’t know. I wish I could just be better in communicating with others and be less of a bland gay boy as I usually am.

Anyways, I’ve waited a couple of hours til my boyfriend came in. He was late for lunch, yet just in time for the movie. I felt wonderful when I finally got the chance to see his face. I kissed him in front of the crowds of people passing us by. Not giving a damn about their judgments cause all that mattered to me is this moment where we connected once again. 

After wasting precious time with my friends going around that wretched capitalist mall we finally parted ways with my friends. But because I was needy as usual, I told my boyfriend not to go home yet. So he invited me to accompany him to another place of mass consumption and capitalism. I was tired, yet I still wanted that day to be better and so I did accompany him there. It was a long bus ride of silence. I was feeling down in the dumps after this quick conversation about our plans on Monday, so I just tried amusing myself with the book that he lent me. Nothing happened. I still felt the familiar confused, disappointed and rather empty feeling that always entraps me. The moment we arrived at the venue with hands held tight on each others grips, we walked around in silence. I wasn’t aware where we were heading. I only knew he’d take me some place where he needs to be. Then he brought me to the cafe that I loved so much. Sat me on a seat, and asked me what I wanted. I just put on a hesitant smile. Because he really didn’t have to ask me what I wanted cause I knew that he knew what would always make me feel better. As he got our orders, I sat there waiting. And the moment he took a sip from his drink, I took a sip of mine noticing the wisps of steam exuding from his cup, while being enraptured by those beautiful eyes of his. It was one of the scenes that I’ve always fantasized about. Like one of those scenes you could only see in a romantic chic flick, or a book. Sharing hot beverages in a cafe, holding each others hand tight and gazing into each others eyes in silence. Silence was our means of talking to one another. Even without his comforting words, as I looked into his eyes, I finally knew that I was secured, happy, and realized I never made the wrong choice with this one.

As we bid farewell, I was scared of letting him go. I wanted him to spend the night over at my place, but even if I was the one who invited him, we were still both hesitant. I was scared of my dad and what he might think. But I gathered all my courage and took him inside the bus and told him he’s staying over. He liked the idea, but he was scared of getting me into trouble. So he kissed me goodbye and left the bus in such haste. I didn’t know what to do cause I felt abandoned and was once again needy. On the bus ride home, I listened to a few songs from Bon Iver. His lyrics never seemed to make sense to me. But all that mattered to me was that I needed something to distract me. As I got off at my bus stop I walked into the dark streets of our subdivision. Went upstairs into my room and smoked. I wanted to feel better but nothing that I did seems to have done me right. It was only him who could make me feel better. I felt so helpless. I sat in my chair, looking at the night sky, smoked some more and prayed to God hoping things would be much better. But that didn’t work too.

So I was left with no choice but lie in bed and let these thoughts in my head wander and make me feel worse about everything until I fell asleep. It was 3 AM when I woke up. The lights were still turned on, and I have just woken up from a bad dream. I immediately called him and he answered. His voice was sort of hoarse because he was either already asleep or maybe, his throat dry from all the liquor and smokes he had, or maybe it was just what I thought it sounded. I just wanted to hear his voice. But the call didn’t last long. I couldn’t even remember what he and I said. He dropped the call after and left me lying in bed still wondering as to how things have turned out this way. And again, I fell asleep.

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