I hope I’m only over thinking again.

Sometimes it makes me wonder if I’m still interesting for my boyfriend. I don’t know. I find it hard to ignore that he “admires” someone else from tumblr. And he’s had a crush on that guy for the longest time ever. I still don’t know though if he still does. It’s just so difficult to ignore whenever I come across these kinds of things. Especially when he lurks on this person’s blog or just keeps liking this person’s pictures or saves them in his iPad or laptop or wherever. (PS saved photos of “ex”-crush were secretly deleted by me) I don’t know. This occurred a few months back, when he still had his iPad with him. I saw pictures of this guy. I told him, “We’re together now right? Why do you still have these pictures?” I was referring to the pictures of other men and the guy I’m jealous of. He told me that he hasn’t cleaned up his iPad yet, and that then and there he’s going to delete them. And so he did—- but not quite. He even pleaded to me if he could keep some of the pictures of this guy. I said it was fine. But it wasn’t obviously. I mean, that’s just a big slap in the face. Insensitivity much? I was hurting. I am still hurting. I had to keep up with it for a couple of weeks, even months. Even up to now. I mean, can’t you see it? I’m even writing about it.

Am I that boring? Am I that uninteresting? Am I that ugly? horrible? or even un-sexy for you to have thoughts or whatever about this guy? Am I just too familiar to you now that you’d rather choose to lurk in this other person’s space and life? Or are you really JUST his “fan”? Or do you have “hangups” over him? I’m just so confused right now. I’m hurting too. I’m hurting a lot actually. I just don’t want to say it to you because you might and will think that I’m overreacting and over thinking again.

But lets try to flip the situation. What if I was like that with my x? Wouldn’t you feel the same way? Maybe you wouldn’t. I still believe that you don’t love me enough, like the way that I do to you. I also want to assume that nothing EVER happened with the two of you. I sure hope nothing ever did. But I just need to get things clear with you. If you want me, if you need me, and most importantly, if you love me and only me. No one else.


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